thoughts...

i dont think anyone actually reads this...but im posting anyways.
cuz my mind and my heart are going crazy right now.
and i need to - idk - sort out my thoughts i guess.

i feel like my relationship with God sucks lately
which might actually surprise people because
well, idk, my mom told me it really seems like i'm
really close with God and doing well spiritually...

whatever. cuz i don't feel it. but it isn't really about
what we feel is it...? it's about what it is.
and what it is, is a struggle. a spiritual battle.
its about doing what i know is right even when
i don't feel like it...

and right now, honestly, i don't feel like it.
i don't feel like reading my Bible
i don't feel like praying
i don't feel like loving others...

but i NEED to read my Bible
and i NEED to pray
and i NEED to love others
because i NEED God...

it's that simple. but if it's that simple
then why is it sooo hard?!

and the best answer i have is
that its hard because i'm human
i am sinful. i think that i have control...
and i don't. God does.

ok, soo God has control.
how easy is that for us?! lol
we don't have to worry about anything.
cuz God has it all under control.
then what is my problem?! why can't i
just give it all up to God cuz that
would be so much more easy than
freaking out and getting overwhelmed...

ha this is great - i have my imeem playlist
on shuffle and this song just came on
that i haven't heard in forever
its called "whatever You're doing" by sanctus real
and it goes like, perfectly with what im talking about

"whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
and though its hard to surrender to what i can't see
i'm giving into something heavenly..."

ok, so that's just the chorus and i'd write the
whole song, but im gonna be late for work
sooo maybe i'll write more later :]


i really hope that i don't like, lead anyone
away from God by writing this...idk
i guess what i'd like people to know is that
Christians struggle with a lot of the same stuff
that everyone else struggles with. but the
greatest difference is that i have God
to help me through it and like that song says
"it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace"
so even in the chaos, i have a peace because
i know that "this slight momentary affliction
is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory
BEYOND ALL COMPARISON" (2 Cor. 4:17)